Honestly, I’m no closer any sort of answer to truth than I was a decade ago. Although I’m thankfully not in anguish over any big questions currently, I do puzzle over them frequently. My current worldview, when I began to questioning in ernest the notion that I would ever find a solid foundation to a belief, feels rather like an uneasy truce between several warring factions. For the time being, there is a great deal of unease, but no actual bloodshed. Metaphorically, I mean that I’m not having reoccurring anxiety attacks about philosophy, which is an improvement. I have slipped into a paradox, and have recently realized what it is—to question my current worldview is to accept it, for my worldview is a continuation of the nagging questioning nature that got me here in the first place!
And yet, I still feel a certain amount of unease, which makes sense, because I can't exactally expect perfect happiness any time soon. But I’m still stuck with the age old concern—what if I’m wrong? Perhaps my current worldview isn’t so much a position as it is surrender. And what if I’m missing something? It’s selfish, but I still worry a bit about whether I’ll end up in hell, or get reincarnated as a cockroach, or that I’ll just get snuffed out completely.
Let’s list the "big questions", shall we? What happens when we die? Is life futile, and if not, how should I spend it? Is our universe a loving one, a malicious one, or an indifferent one? Is there a higher being in which I can place my trust? These questions are all, often, painfully immediate and personal. I wonder at times if I am not too concerned with my own “spiritual welfare”, but what is one to do? I feel my lack of insight acutely, and am not immune to the oldest of human fears—fear of the unknown.
Monday, January 28, 2008
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